Three boys and me plus anxiety!

Good morning….

sorry about last night. I tried to write it down as I was dealing with it but it was kinda hard. last night was horrible. I honestly didn’t know what to do to get myself together and back to sleep. Going through an anxiety (panic attack) alone sucks. you have no one to help you calm down. no one to tell you to “breath”. “everything will be ok”. I have no one so last night it was kinda bad for me.

My kids were sleep and I would never really want or expect them to take care of me. they are kids. so I have to get better at calming myself.

True story. a week ago I went to get a MRI done. let me start by asking have you ever been inside of one of those things?

Worse day for me honestly. usually before I do things I Never did before I google it. I like to understand what is going to happen so I know the process of it and DON’T have a panic attack. but this time I did not google what a MRI was. I had a little ideal from movies but doing it your self is very different.

The process is very loud dark and scary to me. The guy started by having me lay down. which was fine. After that he went on to start as if I already knew what was next. ( By the way world if your a doctor or any job for that manner, i’m sure a part of your job is describing what is going on as your doing it. so the person who could be from another country who don’t do things the same knows what is happening to them. you don’t help someone give birth in silence . you warn them when a contraction is coming so they push. Not get up there on the bed and when lil man slide out he just slide out).

But anyways so he had the sheet on me and then he proceeded to hand me blind folds. mind you I am a WOMAN who has be in sexual situations I didn’t agree to there for him asking me to blind fold in this tiny room with only him in the room My first fear of thoughts coming in my head. i’m a woman alone with him in the room. he didn’t explain why at first the blind fold was needed.

so I ask. “wait why do I need these”? he said” you don’t NEED them but it is bright inside so you either have to keep your eyes close or wear these.” I just closed my eyes and laid them on top of my closed eyes. I did not want to not be able to slide them off if needed.

Now he started to slide me in the machine. see guys when I first enter I went in to about my shoulders. my eyes are close he told me it will be bright inside but when I slid inside it only got darker!I I panic! “WAIT WAIT WAIT” he slid me out and ask what was wrong I told him its dark very dark. I wasn’t ready for that. Im not really scared of the dark. but being in the dark causes me to have issues. quiet dark makes me think more and I like to avoid dark silence. so anyways.

I take a breath I don’t want to freak out in front of this guy so I am trying to be normal even though in my head I really don’t want to go back in there. I told him I was ok. I went back in but all the way. I had a little ball in my hands to squeeze if I freaked out. my goal in my head was to not freak out and stop the process. he told me he will start and let me know how long I have.

WHAT HE DIDN’T TELL ME IS EVERY PICTURE THEY TAKE IS IT’S OWN SEPERATE TIME!

So i’m in the machine and I hear his voice. he say “starting…ok you have 5 min”

I’m thinking ok cool I can do this only five min inside. the lights pop on seem like above my head or the sides of me. From what I could tell with the blind fold. now its Super loud in here. forgot to mention I did get ear plugs. so super loud and dark and OMG TIGHT! I felt like I was in a big box that slowly start to tighten on me. I felt myself moving up and down as the machine was taking picture. I hear the guy say “8 min” IM LIKE WAIT WHAT I HAVE TO STAY IN LONGER…now I am freaking out because he is counting and letting me know how long each picture takes. so I was in the machine for one part about 15 min.

At this point I and breathing in and out fast. tears are rolling down the side of my face.and I’m trying to keep my cool. I started to think ima die in this thing. I felt like I couldn’t breath and I was going to stop breathing . I started to count. I started to count with each min he said. I would count. I did this twice because I couldn’t stay in for the second time. I needed a break . when I was done I was heavily breathing and crying . I had to sit and calm down. I felt my self get lighter and dizzy and shit started spinning. I slowly got off the table and walk fast passed the desk so they don’t see my puffy eyes.

To me I feel like people don’t see what it is. from what I deal with I feel like when a person see you freaking out over something THEY THINK is not a big deal. It is a huge deal to someone who have anxiety and no control.when I came out he kinda gave me the feeling like your over exaggerating.

I went to my doctor a few days after to get the results and I told them I didn’t like the MRI process and they go ” oh I heard”…what do u mean u heard ? are you guys sitting around talking about your clients? smh.

I truly hate when people make me feel like what i’m dealing with is not a thing. for years I had family undermined what was happing to me. last night i went through that alone so me explaining what I seen, heard, felt, my thoughts is not real to anyone. Honestly after I have a panic attack I do feel stupid. I feel like what I just went though was stupid. what I was thinking and freaking out for was stupid……I feel that way once I say I couldn’t sleep had a bad night was crying all night and a person ask why. like” I don’t know”…”why u don’t know” “u have to know why u crying.”… no no don’t.

listen if you know anyone who have any mental illness and they try to explain. don’t shoo them down or laugh or tell them they tripped because that same person maybe to far gone and can harm themself. please listen support and help.