It was 2am in the morning. Star couldn’t sleep. As always she had a hard time trying to stay asleep. twisting and turning each night. she would try hard to find a way to stay asleep. She wanted to be normal again. she wanted to sleep and wake up like normal people do. She couldn’t…..her thoughts were always swirling around in her head. she’s scared… deep down she felt like when she fell asleep she might not wake. she had that fear in the bad of her head every day.
“Thank god, its morning “. said Star. As she rushed to the restroom. she got a couple hours of sleep it felt like. but at least now its daylight and she can rise and start the day. See Star day did not start like normal people typical morning. why because somehow she was now very different. Something was wrong. but star didn’t know what. Each morning she would rush to the restroom because her body makes her. she has loose stool that seems to be everyday. she sometimes wake up feeling very sick and throws up a few times. The heavy feeling in her stomach won’t go away. It feel like a ball just holding her down.
Star lives alone. she is a single mom of three kids , she has one dog and one cat who follows her all through out the house .Being alone is the hardest thing for her . when she is alone her thoughts get bigger and bigger . she sit alone in the living room crying ..so scared because she don’t know what is going on with her body. she don’t have energy to go out and roam the town. she nearly have energy to get up in the morning. but she fights it. she fight it everyday. she pushes to be normal.
Each morning she would walk around the fridge starring at the food she bought but will never cook. she loss her appetite as well. For months she thought she just wasn’t hungry. but now she paying more and more attention to herself. she know she has to eat if she don’t eat she just might not wake up one day. she needs a little food to get though the day. I mean its people out there who eat absolutely nothing and survive. but her lost of appetite make her weak. she do not have taste for food at the moment so Star would only eat small portions of food. (she order chines last night and nearly touched it).
“What is going on with me”? star said. ” I use to be super greedy eat everything. :”Beginning of the summer I was fine”. ” I have to eat. mmm… do I want cereal”? no. Do I have the energy to cook? no. As Star looked around the fridge for food her stomach started to rumble. she is starving. but it seems so much better to go lay down then to eat. you have no ideal how much energy that takes for a person who is weak. star grabbed the OJ bottle out the fridge took a swig and put it back.”mm that should help the hunger stop for a little”. sad thing is she did that yesterday. even though she stood in the fridge for five minutes she knew she didn’t really want food in her. she drank orange juice every hour yesterday to keep the hunger away. some days she would eat a small piece of bread to make it go away.
Star hated to feel weak she hated to be alone. she hated to feel like she needed someone. she was weak and it feared her because she is losing herself slowly. what was wrong with her? why did she all of a sudden get this way. Star started to pay attention to the things around her. she was missing alot. she felt like each day she was going but her mental was not with her. her soul was not playing the game she was currently playing. things changed with her. big moves happened. what broke Star? what is she missing? why does she feel like dying.
Three boys and me plus anxiety! 